I have been told a million times that people think I totally have my shit together. But you know the old saying, no one knows what happens behind closed doors. I am sure that if you looked into other people's lives when they were not watching, you would see that so many of us don't always have our shit together. I may not be at the stage anymore with babies/toddlers crying & demanding my full attention but I now have grown up issues. It is emotionally draining. I feel like I have had to give so much of my own feelings to everyone else that I am feeling so incredibly raw & completely vulnerable. It is not just the stress of having teenagers but it is also the shifting in life, accidents, illness & financial issues. So many things have changed and are about to change in our family & I have no control. I can be there for the ones I love but I feel lost to not be able to help fix them. I have always been the one to fix everything & it hurts when I have to let go. It weighs so heavily on my heart.
I know that people will say, everything happens for a reason. Sometimes it is so hard to see that reason when you are in the middle of it. In the middle of turmoil, decisions, life changes......and no one sees you standing there. You can wave, stomp your feet, yell, scream and yet no one sees you. Because they are so busy dealing with the cards they have been dealt. And it makes it even harder when they struggle to cope with being part of a team. The family team. When being part of a family team is completely foreign to them, how do you let them know that you are just there to help?
When the issues belong to someone else & it is not your story to tell, it becomes a weight that can not be shared. You carry it in your heart, your mind & your soul. How do you then just let go? How do you step to the side instead of directly behind? Do you just throw your hands up and say, "I give up?" How do you hold your shit together? How does someone who has always had control, hand control over to strangers to decide what is best for a loved one?
Somedays being a grown up is not all it is cracked up to be. Somedays you just don't have your shit together. I am starting to think that it is all part of this crazy fucked up journey called life. Let's just hope that life deals us a perfect hand soon.
From Jos with love. xx