There were circumstances leading up to the horrible event. Things that I said I couldn't deal with because I thought that going to the course was the most important thing. It wasn't. My daughters needed my help & I stupidly thought that things would be taken care of by others. They weren't. I feel as though I failed that day. I failed as a mother. I even feel selfish to say this but I don't know if I will ever get over the guilt that I feel for making that decision that I needed more than to be a stay at home Mumma. It eats me up and I feel like I am walking around with my heart on the outside of my chest. Being a Mumma was enough. It is enough. And I do not sit in judgement of anyone's decisions on how to be the best mother that we can. That is all that we all want. We want what is right for our families & our children. So for now, I am returning to my stay at home Mumma role. And now I completely feel that it is enough for me.
It is going to take some time for all of us to get back to some sort of normality. Every time the phone rings, I cry. My heart explodes seeing the school phone number coming up on the caller ID. It has however, brought as closer as a family in a way I could never have imagined. We were falling apart before this event and from the second it happened, we have been exactly what the other person needs. We are all here for each other. Sometimes things have to fall apart for them to come back together.
So for now, I will be content knowing that I am where I need to be and be so ever grateful that my daughter is here with me.
From Jos with love. xx