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Friday, 12 June 2015

How do you say sorry when words are not enough?

I just don't even know where to start. There are so many things I want to say yet there is so many things I can't say. A little while back, I made the announcement that I was starting a full time course to help me find my way back into the workforce after being a stay at home Mumma. I started the course & was on my 3rd day when the universe had other plans for me. I had to cancel my enrollment. All I can even say to give some kind of understanding is that I received a phone call from my husband that rocked my Mumma heart to the core. I didn't hesitate for a moment & ran as fast as I could. I had to get out of that building & get in my car. One of my daughters was in an ambulance after an incident at school. Even thinking about that moment in time crushes me all over again. To hear that your baby, no matter how old that baby is, is alone & on their way to hospital, {ugh} it just rips your heart out of your chest. By the time I got to the hospital, I was an emotional wreck. As soon as I looked at my beautiful girl & saw the look that she gave me, I knew that nothing else mattered. I knew right then & there that I had to be there for her for as long as she needed me. There is no greater pain for a mother than seeing your child in pain. Thankfully even though it was serious & she still has injuries to overcome, there should hopefully be no life long physical injuries. Emotionally is a whole different issue.

There were circumstances leading up to the horrible event. Things that I said I couldn't deal with because I thought that going to the course was the most important thing. It wasn't. My daughters needed my help & I stupidly thought that things would be taken care of by others. They weren't. I feel as though I failed that day. I failed as a mother. I even feel selfish to say this but I don't know if I will ever get over the guilt that I feel for making that decision that I needed more than to be a stay at home Mumma. It eats me up and I feel like I am walking around with my heart on the outside of my chest. Being a Mumma was enough. It is enough. And I do not sit in judgement of anyone's decisions on how to be the best mother that we can. That is all that we all want. We want what is right for our families & our children. So for now, I am returning to my stay at home Mumma role. And now I completely feel that it is enough for me. 

It is going to take some time for all of us to get back to some sort of normality. Every time the phone rings, I cry. My heart explodes seeing the school phone number coming up on the caller ID. It has however, brought as closer as a family in a way I could never have imagined. We were falling apart before this event and from the second it happened, we have been exactly what the other person needs. We are all here for each other. Sometimes things have to fall apart for them to come back together. 

So for now, I will be content knowing that I am where I need to be and be so ever grateful that my daughter is here with me. 

From Jos with love. xx

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From Jos with love. xx